it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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