my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
