if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I am midnight drunk by noon
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
