I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Green mimosas i think yes
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
