Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
MIDGETS
????
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
