new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
