I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
