Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
it glows. i had to have it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
