if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
