im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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