i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
