the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
