Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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