I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
