I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
