i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
