Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
