We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
