i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You were trust falling into bushes
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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