a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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