he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
