I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
