BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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