i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
where am i from again
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
