Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
