I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
