Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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