i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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