Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
even my farts smell like vagina
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
