So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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