I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
