"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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