The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
