i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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