My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
this just has baby written all over it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
