Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
