i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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