Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have feelings that need drinking.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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