drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
