The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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