i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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