I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
