my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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