@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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