Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
