His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
