I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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