I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
