I heard we made out
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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