Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
is that a dick in a sweater?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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