Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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